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Winter Snowflakes Christmas

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I've been taken in by shiny things

and technology and fads.
I'm sorry.
If you want a running commentary in bite sized fragments, you're much more likely to find that on Tumblr.
I do love tumblr.
It does lots of things that I could never really figure out how to do here.
The format is also a little more med student friendly and less demanding.

So if you want an update on life, politics, and medical school, you should click here.

And if you want to know how the baby is doing, and what I like to whine about whilst pregnant,you should click here.

In the meanwhile, I'm putting this blog on hold until I have more time for longer entries.

exchange

K: How are you today?
M : I'm okay
K: You always say "Okay"! The first time you say good, I'm going to jump out of my seat!

It's not socially acceptable to respond to the question "How are you today?" with "I'm a nervous wreck, I'm achey, and I have emergency medical appointments today." nor with "I haven't been sleeping well for months, so I'm still pretty tired" nor even with "I'm not feeling so hot."

I would say that I was good. If I was. Which, if you consider my 4 trips to the ER this spring, emergency surgery, nausea spanning from about january to present if you count my now overactive gag reflex, 2 chronic conditions that haven't been managed well under the stress of all of the other emergencies, miscarriage, new pregnancy, and the ear infection I've had for longer than a month now, is not highly likely.  My doctor appointments actually interfere with making other doctor appointments. I've been to at least one practitioner a week every week this month, and every 2-3 weeks during summer, and every week for all of winter quarter/ spring quarter. I have great insurance, and I've still spent about $1500 or more on care just up to this point this year.
Add to that school- tests every day, homework every day, shifts on the weekends- adding stress to home, which I'm rarely at, and therefore is neglected and dirty. And my husband returning to school- less quality time, less housecleaning, less warm meals...
Oh, and how bout the fact that I have one pair of pants that fits comfortably, and I'm just trying to be really clever to disguise the fact that I can barely wear my clothes? Superficial, but still stressful.

This isn't something I could say as I walk one direction and you walk another.
So, yes. I'm not "Good" very often.  I tend to be functional and "okay". And even though I wasn't super up to the "Okay" mark this morning, I felt constricted by societal norms to say something.

I wish that the greeting had time to have real meaning in society, but it doesn't.
It's just a greeting.
It's okay to be okay.

Locals.

A classmate of mine made a "What is that thing in the sky?" joke today, which is an acceptable comment on the weather 80% of the time in Oregon. "Better soak it up before it rains for the next ten months."
To which I replied "There's still sun on the rainy days, and we get way more sunbreaks than Washington."
Then he stepped over the line and replied "You Oregonians are so defensive!"

So I had to explain to him that all year long, we hear non natives whine about the weather, the economy, the politics, and the way of life here, and all of us natives wish that if the non natives don't like it very much, they would just move back out. Instead of complaining about the (normal state occurrence) here.

I don't go to Pennsylvania and complain that it's hot and flat there, bro. I don't move to New York City and whine about how it was so much quieter at my rural home. I don't live in Georgia and then complain that I have allergies to all of the plants there. I moved up to Washington, thought their recycling program sucked in my locale, missed taking beer cans in for my refund, hated the increase in rain and the decrease in temperature- and you know what I did? As soon as I could, I packed up and moved back to a state that I like. Oregon.

This state is like my family. It's ok for me and other natives to make fun of it- but the instant an out-of-stater starts jumping in, we turn on them and defend our own.

Disorganization

kills my soul.
At least, in a professional setting where I am depending on the resources I need being available so that I can plan out my life and get things done on my schedule. The last week and a half have been so very disorganized- syllabi not available, notes uploaded in the wrong order, scheduling not agreeing with syllabi, "surprise" weekend required retreats...
I know that deep within, I have the peace to overcome these challenges and roll with it.
But right now, my inner id is all "What?! you want this pregnant girl to sleep on the ground? and eat communal food despite major aversion to everything? I'm going to stay in my featherbed and quit!" and "What?! you want me to print notes 10 minutes before class? I just won't print anything at all. Ever."

Stop sulking, id.
We just need a list of how we're going to get this done and in what order....;)

Ugly Truth

• 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
• Pain in the abdomen, especially on one side, is a possible indicator of an ectopic pregnancy.
• Abdominal fullness, nausea, vomiting, lightheadedness, shoulder pain, and a strong urge to defecate without being able to do so are all signs that an ectopic pregnancy may have ruptured the uterine tube.
• Often the first sign of miscarriage is light spotting with abdominal cramping.
• Probability of the next pregnancy also ending in miscarriage rises with each subsequent miscarriage.

Often there is little to no support for those undergoing miscarriage. There are clinical websites that list the above facts in whatever arrangement they favor, and that’s it.
During my two previous miscarriages, there was no information on what to expect when suddenly not expecting, and it was terrifying to not know what my body was doing while simultaneously dealing with the misguided sympathy attempts from friends. I know by the odds that there are at least a few women on tumblr/the internet undergoing this process right now, so I wanted to cover the things that your doctor will do as well as the things that may happen in the next couple months, so that the terrible experience will hopefully be less awful (or at least, as less awful as something so terrible can be.)

• When you suspect a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, go see your primary care physician instead of the emergency room. Losing a baby is a long process, and there’s often nothing that the ER can do for you that you can’t do less stressfully with your primary care doc.
• Your doctor will want you to retain the blood and tissue that you’re losing. There’s no graceful way to do this. It’s morbid. However, the blood and tissue is sent to a pathology lab where they will make sure that the miscarriage is complete by verifying that all of the baby tissue is present. This can help rule out complicating factors.
• Your doctor will also want to take a blood test for beta-HCG every other day for a test total of three days. This will give your doctor a baseline for completeness of miscarriage.
• Your doctor will also send you for an ultrasound to rule out complicating factors.

I was seeing a naturopath during my last miscarriage, and she was incredible. I don’t remember everything I was taking, and all of the treatments I did, and this will vary from doctor to doctor anyway. Choose the healthcare forum in which you feel most comfortable.
If, God forbid, things get worse and more complicated-

• Your doctor will refer you to a GYN surgeon. The tissue, beta-HCG levels, and ultrasounds will come into play here, as they give the surgeon an idea of what is going on.

In my case, I had a heterotopic miscarriage, which means I lost one from the womb and had a second baby stuck in the uterine tube. I bled for a month straight, which is too long, and burst my uterine tube. I bled internally for three days (and still went to class) before I had my surgical consult, and went into surgery same day.

• Recovery sucks. Your friends will say the most insensitive things. Some classic winners of the insensitive contest that I experienced were people offering to let me babysit their baby after they delivered in a couple weeks, people who offered to be a surrogate and have sex with my husband, and everyone who told me that I’d have another baby when God decided, as if a replacement would take away the pain. (which, by the way, pregnant again and hopefully healthy this time- but still get sad about the three babies I lost on a near daily basis.)
• Depression is normal. Make sure that you have a support system around you, and reach out to a therapist if you need to.
• You may start losing a lot of hair, thanks to postpartum hormone rushes.
• Miscarriage is hard on you mentally, physically, and spiritually. Give yourself space and forgiveness, especially if you’re taking longer to get back on your feet than you’d hope.

If you have any questions at all about miscarriage, I’m in the unique position of both having had multiple miscarriages and being in medical school, so I can research any questions you have that I don’t know, with an entire medical library at my disposal.

To The Pacific!

I'm going to the beach today.
I haven't been all summer, and really, that's a shame.
For a local who used to ditch classes in high school to go climb the dune at pacific city, there has been far too little beach in my life this year. And last year. And every year since I got a job and started having responsibilities.

Though this year was less about responsibilities and more about just not feeling up to doing anything. (Also, throwing up for a month straight greatly reduced my desire to leave the house.)

I don't know if I have the energy to go careening around the headland like a goat, but I'm really looking forward to poking tide pools, chasing waves, and reading a book.

I'm also thinking about bringing Gordie, the world's worst kite.

(Gordie in his natural habitat (the ground), gleneden beach)

He prefers to be drug across the sand, in true turtle fashion.
I wanna know who the person was that thought "Turtles! Of course! They have no inclination to fly, they're not aerodynamic, but they would make Such a Cute Kite!" and then sold it to the dollar store to trick unsuspecting broke college students into thinking they could fly a kite.

I think I'll just bring a book and a sweatshirt.
<3