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I've been taken in by shiny things

and technology and fads.
I'm sorry.
If you want a running commentary in bite sized fragments, you're much more likely to find that on Tumblr.
I do love tumblr.
It does lots of things that I could never really figure out how to do here.
The format is also a little more med student friendly and less demanding.

So if you want an update on life, politics, and medical school, you should click here.

And if you want to know how the baby is doing, and what I like to whine about whilst pregnant,you should click here.

In the meanwhile, I'm putting this blog on hold until I have more time for longer entries.

exchange

K: How are you today?
M : I'm okay
K: You always say "Okay"! The first time you say good, I'm going to jump out of my seat!

It's not socially acceptable to respond to the question "How are you today?" with "I'm a nervous wreck, I'm achey, and I have emergency medical appointments today." nor with "I haven't been sleeping well for months, so I'm still pretty tired" nor even with "I'm not feeling so hot."

I would say that I was good. If I was. Which, if you consider my 4 trips to the ER this spring, emergency surgery, nausea spanning from about january to present if you count my now overactive gag reflex, 2 chronic conditions that haven't been managed well under the stress of all of the other emergencies, miscarriage, new pregnancy, and the ear infection I've had for longer than a month now, is not highly likely.  My doctor appointments actually interfere with making other doctor appointments. I've been to at least one practitioner a week every week this month, and every 2-3 weeks during summer, and every week for all of winter quarter/ spring quarter. I have great insurance, and I've still spent about $1500 or more on care just up to this point this year.
Add to that school- tests every day, homework every day, shifts on the weekends- adding stress to home, which I'm rarely at, and therefore is neglected and dirty. And my husband returning to school- less quality time, less housecleaning, less warm meals...
Oh, and how bout the fact that I have one pair of pants that fits comfortably, and I'm just trying to be really clever to disguise the fact that I can barely wear my clothes? Superficial, but still stressful.

This isn't something I could say as I walk one direction and you walk another.
So, yes. I'm not "Good" very often.  I tend to be functional and "okay". And even though I wasn't super up to the "Okay" mark this morning, I felt constricted by societal norms to say something.

I wish that the greeting had time to have real meaning in society, but it doesn't.
It's just a greeting.
It's okay to be okay.

Locals.

A classmate of mine made a "What is that thing in the sky?" joke today, which is an acceptable comment on the weather 80% of the time in Oregon. "Better soak it up before it rains for the next ten months."
To which I replied "There's still sun on the rainy days, and we get way more sunbreaks than Washington."
Then he stepped over the line and replied "You Oregonians are so defensive!"

So I had to explain to him that all year long, we hear non natives whine about the weather, the economy, the politics, and the way of life here, and all of us natives wish that if the non natives don't like it very much, they would just move back out. Instead of complaining about the (normal state occurrence) here.

I don't go to Pennsylvania and complain that it's hot and flat there, bro. I don't move to New York City and whine about how it was so much quieter at my rural home. I don't live in Georgia and then complain that I have allergies to all of the plants there. I moved up to Washington, thought their recycling program sucked in my locale, missed taking beer cans in for my refund, hated the increase in rain and the decrease in temperature- and you know what I did? As soon as I could, I packed up and moved back to a state that I like. Oregon.

This state is like my family. It's ok for me and other natives to make fun of it- but the instant an out-of-stater starts jumping in, we turn on them and defend our own.

Disorganization

kills my soul.
At least, in a professional setting where I am depending on the resources I need being available so that I can plan out my life and get things done on my schedule. The last week and a half have been so very disorganized- syllabi not available, notes uploaded in the wrong order, scheduling not agreeing with syllabi, "surprise" weekend required retreats...
I know that deep within, I have the peace to overcome these challenges and roll with it.
But right now, my inner id is all "What?! you want this pregnant girl to sleep on the ground? and eat communal food despite major aversion to everything? I'm going to stay in my featherbed and quit!" and "What?! you want me to print notes 10 minutes before class? I just won't print anything at all. Ever."

Stop sulking, id.
We just need a list of how we're going to get this done and in what order....;)

Ugly Truth

• 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
• Pain in the abdomen, especially on one side, is a possible indicator of an ectopic pregnancy.
• Abdominal fullness, nausea, vomiting, lightheadedness, shoulder pain, and a strong urge to defecate without being able to do so are all signs that an ectopic pregnancy may have ruptured the uterine tube.
• Often the first sign of miscarriage is light spotting with abdominal cramping.
• Probability of the next pregnancy also ending in miscarriage rises with each subsequent miscarriage.

Often there is little to no support for those undergoing miscarriage. There are clinical websites that list the above facts in whatever arrangement they favor, and that’s it.
During my two previous miscarriages, there was no information on what to expect when suddenly not expecting, and it was terrifying to not know what my body was doing while simultaneously dealing with the misguided sympathy attempts from friends. I know by the odds that there are at least a few women on tumblr/the internet undergoing this process right now, so I wanted to cover the things that your doctor will do as well as the things that may happen in the next couple months, so that the terrible experience will hopefully be less awful (or at least, as less awful as something so terrible can be.)

• When you suspect a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy, go see your primary care physician instead of the emergency room. Losing a baby is a long process, and there’s often nothing that the ER can do for you that you can’t do less stressfully with your primary care doc.
• Your doctor will want you to retain the blood and tissue that you’re losing. There’s no graceful way to do this. It’s morbid. However, the blood and tissue is sent to a pathology lab where they will make sure that the miscarriage is complete by verifying that all of the baby tissue is present. This can help rule out complicating factors.
• Your doctor will also want to take a blood test for beta-HCG every other day for a test total of three days. This will give your doctor a baseline for completeness of miscarriage.
• Your doctor will also send you for an ultrasound to rule out complicating factors.

I was seeing a naturopath during my last miscarriage, and she was incredible. I don’t remember everything I was taking, and all of the treatments I did, and this will vary from doctor to doctor anyway. Choose the healthcare forum in which you feel most comfortable.
If, God forbid, things get worse and more complicated-

• Your doctor will refer you to a GYN surgeon. The tissue, beta-HCG levels, and ultrasounds will come into play here, as they give the surgeon an idea of what is going on.

In my case, I had a heterotopic miscarriage, which means I lost one from the womb and had a second baby stuck in the uterine tube. I bled for a month straight, which is too long, and burst my uterine tube. I bled internally for three days (and still went to class) before I had my surgical consult, and went into surgery same day.

• Recovery sucks. Your friends will say the most insensitive things. Some classic winners of the insensitive contest that I experienced were people offering to let me babysit their baby after they delivered in a couple weeks, people who offered to be a surrogate and have sex with my husband, and everyone who told me that I’d have another baby when God decided, as if a replacement would take away the pain. (which, by the way, pregnant again and hopefully healthy this time- but still get sad about the three babies I lost on a near daily basis.)
• Depression is normal. Make sure that you have a support system around you, and reach out to a therapist if you need to.
• You may start losing a lot of hair, thanks to postpartum hormone rushes.
• Miscarriage is hard on you mentally, physically, and spiritually. Give yourself space and forgiveness, especially if you’re taking longer to get back on your feet than you’d hope.

If you have any questions at all about miscarriage, I’m in the unique position of both having had multiple miscarriages and being in medical school, so I can research any questions you have that I don’t know, with an entire medical library at my disposal.

To The Pacific!

I'm going to the beach today.
I haven't been all summer, and really, that's a shame.
For a local who used to ditch classes in high school to go climb the dune at pacific city, there has been far too little beach in my life this year. And last year. And every year since I got a job and started having responsibilities.

Though this year was less about responsibilities and more about just not feeling up to doing anything. (Also, throwing up for a month straight greatly reduced my desire to leave the house.)

I don't know if I have the energy to go careening around the headland like a goat, but I'm really looking forward to poking tide pools, chasing waves, and reading a book.

I'm also thinking about bringing Gordie, the world's worst kite.

(Gordie in his natural habitat (the ground), gleneden beach)

He prefers to be drug across the sand, in true turtle fashion.
I wanna know who the person was that thought "Turtles! Of course! They have no inclination to fly, they're not aerodynamic, but they would make Such a Cute Kite!" and then sold it to the dollar store to trick unsuspecting broke college students into thinking they could fly a kite.

I think I'll just bring a book and a sweatshirt.
<3

Just Made a Shopping Cart on Amazon to See How Much My Books are Going to Cost This Quarter

before I get my school money on monday (first day of class)
And the total, if I round down to the nearest hundred,

Is $700.00 dollars.

Guess I didn’t want that stipend to buy groceries or other school supplies. -_-

Illogically Enthused (What medical nutjobs fail to see)

I was tumblin’ this morning like ya do on summer break after sleeping for 14 straight hours, and I came across a post on my dashboard from another local mama-to-be detailing a barrage against her well reasoned hospital birth plan.

This is where both sides of the medical fence are in error.

While she catches hell for wanting a hospital birth with legitimate life threatening complications that no reasonable midwife would take on at home or a birth center anyway, I catch hell for being healthy and young and planning on a birth center birth with no intention of even looking at OB/GYN practitioners.

No matter what either of us chooses, based on our own history and needs, there will be a medical field nut job/ advocate/ unreasonably bossy person in our lives telling us that we’re wrong purely because they prefer a different type of medicine.

I love naturopathic medicine, and I’m nutty about midwifery. That didn’t stop me from being on serious narcotics and having surgery to remove my right uterine tube earlier this year. Sticking with natural medicine in that situation would have killed me months ago. My surgeon told my family post op that she was guessing, from the amount of blood in my abdominal cavity, that I only had about a day left to live if that completely necessary, fully invasive procedure hadn’t been done.

There is a time and a place for both types of medicine. In 3 more years, I’ll be a full fledged primary care naturopathic physician here in Oregon. I’ll be able to take care of all of the things that a primary care physician needs to be able to take care of- hormone balancing, stitches, prescribing drugs, basic health support of all kinds. I’ll also be able to gauge the situations and refer to an MD or a surgeon when a health situation escalates beyond primary care.

This is an important and very necessary step!

No health care provider can provide all care for every patient. We need to be open minded and logical as we look at health care situations. Personal decisions based on the comfort level of the patient, the history of the patient, and plausible outcomes of the patient should never be judged and found wanting, just because our own personal beliefs disagree

Reckless Endangerment.

When I woke up at 8:30 this morning, my husband wasn't home.
Knowing that he hadn't slept well the day before, I hoped that the hospital hadn't asked him to stay over for a double, or even for a couple hours. Night shift is exhausting all by itself.
8 minutes later, he came through the door and I heard the distinctive rustle of what I thought was a grocery bag.
Except it was a biohazard bag.
(though he had gone to the grocery store, for color safe bleach)

We both know that healthcare can be an incredibly dangerous field. Especially with my compromised immune system for the next 6-7 months, we've been hyper aware of the dangers around every corner.
We say it like it's a joke, that "everyone has herpeghonnaclamidyaids".

But I stopped smiling, upon finding out that my husband had Hep C bled onto his scrubs and shoes last night. For patient confidentiality, I won't say anything other than they knew what risks they were exposing the staff to.
They knew.
But now my dryer is full of bleach and detergent and scrubs and shoes, and the incident has been reported to human resources, and my husband is safe in bed, asleep. Contamination risk is very low, and I know from my microbiology classes that the transmission rate of Hep C is very low without blood to blood contact. I still did a scratch check, to make sure the patient hadn't inflicted any wounds on him during their attention grubbing episode of self harm.
I'm not going to touch the laundry until it's been through 3 bleach and detergent cycles, and then we're going to run the washer empty with bleach water.

I've never seen my husband come home from work so upset.
I've never seen him give up on a patient before.
But I've also never seen the after effects of someone intentionally using themselves as a biological hazard to try to infect other people before.

Health care is dangerous.
The scare is always a good reminder. Wear your gloves. Wear the other indicated personal protection equipment.
You never know what a patient is going to do.

Before we tell you about Germany...we have some other news.

99.9% effective is apparently not all the protection it's cracked up to be.
And we kept it a secret for 10 weeks this time, so we're almost out of the danger zone.
Keep your fingers (buns?) crossed.
Backdated posts to follow

Medieval times

Though energy is down, and sucking wind is up, our trip to cochen castle was a ton of fun!


From the brown bread with lard to the wasser with gahs (bubblies) to the turkey leg that was the size of my forearm, it was a night that was surprisingly alright on the stomach. (also! First day I haven’t thrown up in Deutchland.)



My husband and I danced with the “Lords and Ladies”, saw two secret passageways, took pictures with the roses (cochen castle is suppose to be sleeping beauty’s castle- I had to get me some rose pictures), and had ice cream down in the town.



Ice cream always stays down. This kid is clearly related to me.



Today is the pig festival in wittlich (or something spelled equivalently) where villagers have been killing pigs out of spite for a very long time. And it’s raining, hurray! I can’t wait to get outside.

Being from the northwest USA, this much straight sunshine and 90 degrees has been weirding me out. Give me yo drizzle, sky!

Schwangershaft und reisen

One car ride, two airplanes, and a shuttle ride later, we have arrived in Germany!




I told my husband that if he ever gets me knocked up a couple months before we travel to Europe again, we will have harsh words.



My stomach seems to be a bit shy of airport and airplane bathrooms, so instead of being nauseous, throwing up, and then feeling better for a couple hours before putting that cycle on repeat, I was miserable for pretty much the whole trip. Of course, airplane food doesn’t really help the situation. Nor did the devil child in the chair behind me, who kicked my seat for 8 hours while it’s father indulgently smiled at the little spawn.

Once we got to the in-laws house (which is absolutely gorgeous, btdubs) and I puked for a while, then took a nap, everything was much better.



I’ve even eaten meat (!!!)

We went out to dinner last night, and I had grechensnetzle or something equivalent, which turned out to be gyro meat (lamb) and french fries in a delicious goo. Totally stayed down.

Being able to carnivore it up makes me happy.



Speaking of which- 9 weeks along!

Baby’s got fingers (webbed) and is working on finishing those 4 heart chambers this week. Go, baby, go!



I can feel my skin starting to stretch out on my abdomen. It’s weird, it feels like I’m perpetually at the level of stretch that I’d normally have during a total backbend. Mother-in-law gave me a bottle of cream that helped her, and I started using that last night. So thoughtful! I had no inkling of bringing skin care stuff like that. I’m glad that Moms and Mominlaws know what ya need, cuz I’m so clueless.



All the clinical embryology in the world doesn’t actually give you any common sense.



Now, for a lovely day of German bread, chocolate, and walking in beautiful old streets!

Germany.

The bank's been called, the laundry done, the shopping completed.
Not the packing, though.
Despite the fact that my husband and I have traveled together many times, and the fact that we've never been able to make it more than 4 days with all of our things packed in the same bag, he seems to think that his things will fit in my suitcase.
Which they might.
If I wasn't using it as a carryon, with the second compartment all sealed down to half an inch thick.

I mentioned this weeks ago, but now it's mere hours before we leave the house, and I'm still trying to find the bag he normally uses when we fly somewhere.

He's busy sleeping, of course. He pulled 5 shifts in the last 3 days, which is pretty incredible. The overtime will pay off some medical bills that popped up recently.

But I'm thinking his packing is going to have to wait until he wakes up. I can't find his bag, and the safe for the passports is on the top shelf, well out of my reach. Oh, the last minutes before vacation, how frantic they can be.

I am not the only one.

The country is pretty much spiraling into a shit hole these days, and plenty of the populace agrees.
And apparently, either a secessionist from Texas or a theist advocating an end to freedom of religion are the top choices for the upcoming elections.

Well, screw that noise.
I refuse to let a party who made tea parties into dirty, shameful affairs take control of my country. The party that refused to tax the insanely wealthy, choosing instead to raise the amount I have to pay on my student loans. (Cuz, you know, medical students. That's where the cash is AT.) The party that advocates constant war with no clear objective. This party currently thinks they've got a shot. And let's face it, there are plenty of racist, wealthy, and/or ignorant people across the country who are supporting these goals.

So, as this dear man says, let's put a party within the left party that's just as crazy as the tea party whackjobs. There are plenty of left wing extremists out there to balance the insanity-scales. We could call it the "Whole Grain Party", and bring a fresh view to the political stage.

Or better yet, maybe we could have a government that could cooperate and compromise within itself. Seriously, all of the debate participants rejecting a $10 in cuts for every $1 in tax raises compromise? That's a more than generous deal, especially considering that the wealthy are currently being taxed at a rate similar to the rates in place for our great grandparents, and the median household wealth has fallen about 50%. (more inequality figures). It's time to wake up and smell the rank, fetid odor of government- the issues at hand aren't really so much of a personal failing of President Obama as they are indicative of the petty squabbling and money grubbing of every single person in higher government.



You've heard me go off on the healthcare practices of this country, and why so many of them are horrible. You may have even heard me bitch about how, despite the fact that I make around $122 a month, I can't get food stamps because my husband's gross income (not the income we get to keep at all) is too high.
I, like many of you, have been lazy.
I'm a medical student, twentysomething, poor as can be, and felt powerless.

But you know what?

I'm not. And neither are you.

Let's use social media to create a riot. Not a break-into-london-stores-and-put-even-more-poor-people-on-the-street-because-now-they've-not-got-homes-or-jobs kind of riot, but a riot of non-compliance. We, the people, are fully capable of stopping the tea party, and the secessionists, and these fat cat billionaires and corporations who don't want to pull their full weight.

We, the people, are this country.

Refuse to elect any of these people who can't be bothered to compromise. Who won't listen to anything but their own logic. Don't vote them into congress. Don't vote them into the senate. Don't let them be governors, legislators, or even a page, running messages in the hall.
If we all speak at once, and show the country what is unacceptable, we cannot be overruled.

You may say I'm a dreamer...but I am not the only one.
There are millions of us.
Let's stand together.

Out at dinner

K: Here, try this beer!


Me: No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight.

K: ...*questioning, suspicious eyebrow raise*

E: ...*quizzical suspecting glance*

Me: Ok, fine, yeah. I got knocked up again.

K: Squeee!

E: I thought your boobs looked really perky.

This is why secret pregnancies with medical school friends don't work out. I turn down one glass of alcohol, gain three pounds, and they're all busy going...."Hmmm...not drinking, weight gain, not staying out as late, eating a salad instead of chicken wings...YOU'RE PREGGERS!"

I'm clearly going to have to tell people after we get back from Germany.

One hurdle down, eleventy billion to go.

I donated like, a liter (exaggeration) of blood for testing, granted the misfortune that haunted my every step earlier this year, and the lab ran a complete metabolic panel, a thyroid panel, a CBC, an iron level, HCG levels, and progesterone levels. Got the basic results back by phone today and:












TOTALLY NORMAL.

Booyah.



Actually, HCG + Progesterone running a little high, which is great.

Vitamin B running low at the time of testing, which is no big deal because I was put on vitamin B supplements about 2 days beforehand. I’m sure the levels are great now.



Huge weight off my mind. I’ll still feel more relieved in 3 and a half more weeks, when my 30% chance o’ miscarriage drops to like, 5%.

Dreams

Growing up with my mom’s horror stories of the dreams she had when she was pregnant with me, or my little sister predisposed me to expect nightmares about bugs. This has not been the case, in any of my three pregnancies.




This is the first time that I’ve gotten so far along (8w1d!) and the dreams are starting to turn weird.



Earlier, my dreams were vivid but weird. I had a dreams about Papa-to-be and his frat brothers going to jail on a bus (to protect petey. The only Petey we know in real life is a penguin pillow pet.) which I only found out because his Escalade (we don’t own an Escalade) had the lights on and when I went out to turn the lights off, it told me that dear Papa had left his wallet and cell phone in the car. (in digital display, on the center console.) So naturally, I jumped on a centaur and rode through the town naked to find him. And thought to check a prison bus.







Then my subconscious got cruel, but realistic. The night before a fasting blood test that was all the way at 10 am, I dreamed of nothing but eating chocolate covered strawberries. Luxurious, perfectly sweet strawberries in the best chocolate I’ve ever tasted. Most amazing food I’ve ever tasted.

Of course, then I woke up and couldn’t eat for four hours.

And the chocolate covered strawberries I made later that night weren’t as good as my dream strawberries. How mean is that?



Last night was the first nightmare. I had a perfectly realistic dream that I got up and went to the bathroom (which I do a lot these days.) But in the bathroom, I started miscarrying again, with so much blood, so much red blood.



I woke up crying and had to talk myself into the reality of the situation, that I was lying in bed, that I hadn’t gotten up, and then I had to go check just to be sure. What an awful dream.

internet images

*Actual baby may vary.




I stole this off of the all wonderful google, to celebrate our first meeting with a midwife!



I strongly believe that a woman’s body is built to withstand the process of birth- and that if women couldn’t handle birth naturally, then our entire species would have gone extinct thousands of years ago.



Papa-to-be and I went down to the Portland waterbirth center, Andaluz, which has a staff of 8 professional, licensed midwives and 5 beautiful rooms with huge tubs, gorgeous showers, beautiful beds, and the same strong belief that birth can be non-traumatic, lovely, and natural. They operate on an informed consent basis, which is nice- especially since most people have no idea that they’ve consented to screening/ procedures until those things show up in a medical history. This means I don’t have to agree to a hepB vaccine at birth (which, you know, isn’t great for baby during its first day of life) or antibacterial eye drops (since I don’t have chlamydia) or even to having my baby leave the room that I’m in for the first little bit of it’s tiny adorable life.



What’s new at 8 weeks?



Well, I was a size 6 a couple weeks ago, but now I’m wearing my size 10’s that I (thank the good lord) hadn’t donated yet. I’ve also re-graduated into bras that I’d lost weight out of, and might need new ones soon.



Eating is still a challenge, and I’ve basically been a vegetarian for the last week, which is an interesting experience for a dedicated carnivore. Tempeh is so weird. I can’t tell if I like it or hate it- but I can tell that it stays in my tummy!

(and really, at this point, that’s all that counts.)



Big fan of the Apple Cider Vinegar- having a sip before a meal decreases my chances of throwing up that meal by about a third- and it’s such a simple remedy!



I love naturopathic medicine.



Also coming in at 8 weeks- 3 wonderful years of marriage to my favorite nurse!

The man of the house has been so wonderful- taking care of all of the smelly stuff so that I don’t have to, making iced ginger tea, giving me backrubs, intense tournaments of Jenga, and incredibly sweet goofy grins every time that guy looks at me. <3



Thursday all of my bloodwork comes in, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now.

NPR, Baby!

Well, baby-


According to this article, you’re going to like peas, hummus, pesto and cream cheese on potato bread, ginger tea, graham crackers, and mango sorbet.



Someday, when I don’t throw up almost every meal I eat, I will introduce you to a world of delicious and exotic flavors!