end of one journey

              I've heard that whatever you put on your skin- your amulets, your ink, your oils- they soak in, and become a part of your souls and guiding forces. From the oldest of records to present day, we use our skin as protection, and as the place for the rituals guiding aging take form. Maori believe that tattoos follow on into the afterlife, and the monks of the tiger temple are covered in protective signs and sigils. Cultures around the world use body modification to show that a child has become an adult.

             For me, my spirit has always been wound round and round two things- jaguars, and roses.     Both have taught me, and both continue to guide me.

            I think I was 8 or 9 when I read "The Jaguar Princess" by Claire Bell for the first time.
A basic plot synopsis is that this maya/ inca/ aztec (I know they're different, but the author mixed it up for the story) little girl is captured and made into a slave, but she's not considered pretty so she's just a menial house worker. She can't swim, and she's got awkward bones. The house is a school for scribes though, and she learns how to read and write (which is seriously against caste and stuff. but she does what she wants!) and basically flows with her life, getting upgraded to cooler and cooler writing things, learning that she can't swim because she's a super dense shape shifting jaguar, the usual, until a prince falls in love with her, his father tries to marry her for political gain and maims his son, and she transforms into a jaguar, kills all the hummingbird-on-the-left priests who are a little too blood thirsty, converts the whole area to worshiping tepeyololti (the jaguar god of caves) and settles in to peace and prosperity as queen.


When I was 8 or 9, this meant I terrorized the neighborhood pretending to be a jaguar. (also, I can't swim.)

But as the years went past, it seems to me that I fell in love with an amazing story of what happens when a person does the best they can in whatever situation they find themselves in, and a classic rags to riches story.

I knew I had to have part of the jaguar on me, or in me. Jaguars are brilliant. They never stop coming, they never give up on what they want. The god of jaguars is the god of caves and quietness, which provides balance to the energy of the chase. I needed that energy to keep me whole, but I wanted to be softer than pursuing and killing and caves....

It's a good thing I grew up in rose country. My family had 24 rosebushes in our little yard. Climbing roses, dwarf roses, scented roses, beautiful roses. You may have read before my parroting of a line from Robin McKinley's "Rose Daughter" that "roses are for love. Not silly sweetheart's love, but the love that makes you and keeps you whole." And it's true. Roses don't grow where they're unloved. They take a lot of fuss and care to get established, and a lot of maintenance to keep them beautiful initially, but then, their roots dig deep and they stay grounded in that love. The more blooms you cut off, the more they give, and the air around them is perfumed with their joy of life, their ability to stand up to the storm, and their capacity to love in return. Roses were, for me, the perfect balance. I use rose water (preciously and sparingly, as my jar is my great grandmother's last jar of rosewater) to clear my face, to help with digestion, to clear my homesickness. I can't always have a physical rose to love, but there's always a rose garden in my mind...and now on my skin.

A year and a half ago, I started a journey, to imbue my skin with the symbol of a jaguar whose spots were made of roses.

Today, it's complete.

Eyes open to see where I am

the final roses

The whole piece

Underachieving is for Squares.

I've been working out seriously for 9 days, now, and I've learned a lot about myself in that time.
The first thing I learned is that I'm really good at underachieving because I'm afraid to fail. I've failed a lot, physically, because for the last seventeen years, I thought I had a deficient state of health, and that I couldn't physically attain being healthy. In the last three months, I've gotten stronger, felt more energetic, and started to heal. It's going to be a long process, but I healed enough that when the in-laws got my husband and I a rather intense workout program that they themselves had had success with, I thought I was strong enough to try.
On day one, I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up, that my soft body wouldn't be able to handle the work out and that I'd pay in days of pain for just trying.
But you know what?
I did it anyway. I did the best I could, probably not even 60% of the video, but trying to keep up. And then I did day 2. And then I did day 3. And now it's day 9, and the video sequence is on it's second repeated video. I did so much better this week than last week! Maybe even 60% of the video, and lots of things that I did for the full time, even if there weren't quite so many repetitions.

Underachieving doesn't bring you that satisfaction that working hard to do your best does. Maybe that's not a surprise to you (why am I always surprised that there's two r's in surprise? I always spell it wrong once and then have to correct it.)  but it's been a little life changing over here, for me.
For me, it's been compliment city. The changes in my tone and definition a visibly noticeable, and this achievement (not Underachievement) has allowed me to look in the mirror and say "Hey, You're looking good today, body."  I'm pleased with my progress, and even more pleased that I have a plan to obtain more progress. By spring break, I'll be smoking hot (at least to myself, which is the only person who gets to count in self image anyway) and I'll be able to do so much more without getting tired or needing a break. Or a cookie.
I learned other things too, but I haven't quite thought of how I want to write them down. So instead, enjoy some first week progress shots.

 This is the amount of fitness I had attained with diet and yoga alone. I don't have any "pre-healthy" photos that are useful, but use your imagination to see this as a dramatic improvement.

And then see how much awesome I've worked up in just one week!

And I'm going to get so much healthier!

Leaves to grow on.

I'm pretty partial to years that start off with glorious sunshine and amazing fun.
My new year's party went, I felt, very well. I'd been worrying and worrying because it sounded like a million people were going to show up and they were all going to bring friends, but the guest list turned out to be comprised of 16.
16 people is exactly how many people fit in my house comfortably.
There were drinks, and delectable foods, and the discord of rockband being sung by the drunk and tone deaf. There were shared resolutions, party dresses, and mistletoe. (Highly underused mistletoe, I might add. I think there were only 3 kisses under the mistletoe over the course of the entire 8 hours of active partying. Ridiculous.) We counted down and toasted and laughed.
The world turned over and the sun rose again.

Now it's a new year. The darkest days of the old year have passed, and winter is beginning to pass with it. Spring seems like a possibility, now that the old year is out of the way. There will be cold and snow for a couple more months, but my rosebush thought about it and decided to grow ten beautiful new leaves.

I'm going to take a page from Darling's book (Darling is the rosebush) and turn over ten new leaves myself. (In this public forum, such that I may be held accountable to my new years plans)

1. I'm going to weigh 120 lbs by the end of march.
2. I will devote 30 minutes of every day to keeping my home reasonably clean.
3. I will take better preventative mental health care of myself during the school quarters.
4. I'm going to become more frugal and aware of our finances.
5. At least twice a week, I will prepare meals that have the potential to provide leftovers for not only my own lunch, but also for my husband's lunch.
6. My day planner will be used such that I prepare for life a week before anything is due. (this is not to say that I will not still do homework the day before I need it. I just want to be aware that it exists a week before I need to do it.)
7. I will fold the laundry within 2 days of doing the laundry. End goal- do the laundry, fold the laundry, put the laundry away all on the same day by December of 2011.
8. My communication skills will improve by leaps and bounds and I will enunciate more clearly.
9. I will give away at least one hug a day.
10. I will go to at least one hot springs this year and will follow naturopathic principles while I'm there. (the more sun on skin the better, follow hot water with cold, be at peace with nature's laws, ect.)


How many leaves will you turn this year? How can your life be of higher quality? Make your goals...then tell someone so that in three weeks, when your exercise program really starts kicking your ass, or there's tons of school and no one to see the house, or... that person will inconveniently call you on your slacking off. <3

Here's to changes and difficulty and smiles- it's a whole new year.

Whoop whoop.

You would not believe how busy I've been.
Or hey, you might.

Anyway, the moral to this story is that I finished my first quarter of med school (and I passed everything, by the way, an incredible victory in and of itself.) and then I was still stuck in Go-Go-Go mode for awhile. I was so burned out, too, that everything besides studying seemed like a terrible waste of time (including Christmas) and so I did what any reasonable person would do to get over the funk.

I made candy- loads of candy, chocolate turtles, caramel, and toffee. I went to holiday parties. I slept for an entire week straight, and then I flew to Denver to party my arse off with a dear friend for three nights, while we saw all of the best attractions of the town in the three days. I made a Christmas countdown calender, which my husband filled with tiny surprises. I bought more mistletoe than one should ever have in the house. I decided to have a New Year's party, which appears to be slowly spiraling out in to merry chaos. I have chestnuts to roast on an open fire, although here in the northwest, jack frost appears to be MIA (what kind of region gets a 0-20% chance of snow on christmas? LAME)

So my funk is gone, but I appear to have contracted whooping cough or a really nasty cold. It's pretty ridiculous. I'm running around in a bathrobe, my hair hasn't been brushed in three days, every thirty seconds I stop for a coughing fit that makes me see stars and whoop for breath, as I'm plugging in the tree and watching old movies and writing out all my holiday cards. This seems to correspond with the only down time I had planned for myself (though I missed two parties yesterday, for the solstice.)
I guess my body's had enough of busy.

That's ok! I'm a med student! I've been taking hot baths and cold rinses, putting ice cold wet socks on before bed (to drain the head congestion) taking vitamin C, eating horseradish and sri racha sauce to drain my sinuses, and practically floating on the volume of water and tea that I've been drinking. It's the best opportunity to practice what I've learned since I've learned it. I'm going to help my body recover so quickly, traditional Christmas Eve pinochle is going to be a win for my team (whoever I end up playing with.)  And really, I'm enjoying the rest, even if it comes with some hacking and a giant sinus headache.

To all a great fever, and a hacking rest ; )

Scrooge

I'm having trouble justifying some of the Christmas Spirit these days. With consumerism more rampant than goodwill, I feel like my favorite holiday is getting a bit...tainted.

It killed my soul a little to see Christmas goods on the same shelves as Halloween decorations.  The music starts too early, and it's just not special anymore. Anyone can tell you that when you start doing something every day, it ceases to be a treat and becomes a routine. I love routines, don't get me wrong, routines shove me through the day. Treats, on the other hand, are breaks from the routine. They are the whimsy that allows us to go off track for a while, knowing that eventually routine will get us back on track.

So now it's December 1st, the day I traditionally give myself the treat of putting up all manner of decoration and turning on that holiday music station for the first time, and I'm totally apathetic towards the whole production. I've been seeing the decorations and hearing the music for months now, outside of my home. My nativity scene is still in its zip lock baggie, in the bottom cabinet. The ornaments are beside the dryer, with the exception of the one ball that my cats managed to play with all year. I'm still listening to radiohead, mudvayne, disturbed, rhianna, three days grace, debussy, a perfect circle and all of the other artists that are on my every day play lists.

Then there's the whole issue of a tree. Do I, as a human, have a right to go kill a tree, just to have it die slowly in my house for no practical purpose? There's no symbiosis there. Not to mention, heating the house is expensive enough. I don't need to add 30 more strands of light to my electric bill (which would metaphorically kill more salmon, since the electricity is from the dam). On the other side, I know the trees are raised without the space to grow into the forest that they'd like to be, and a lot of great charitable groups really depend on the sales for their fundraisers...I just can't justify killing a tree right now. I can't justify the whole ritual of getting into the holidays right now.

I'm feeling pretty scrooge-y, now that the snow's gone and finals are upon me.
How do you get into the holiday spirit?

self esteem boost

Just some fun facts-
Many of you know that my gift to myself for my 23rd birthday was a year to get healthy. We're officially 2 months from that promise, and in those 2 months I have:
-gone to the clinic 5 times
-had my blood drawn 3 times
-started a regimen of ten supplements
-modified my diet so that it not longer contains grain of any sort nor any refined sugar
-cut back to three (alcoholic) drinks a week (if that)
-started drinking  at least 64 ounces of water a day, trying to drink 72 oz.
-started doing at least 30 minutes of yoga a day
-started meditating at least 10 minutes a day
-grown 4.5 inches
-lost 6.5 pounds
-lost 5 inches off my waist
-lost 3 inches off my hips.

And I feel pretty fabulous. More work to do, but hurrah for me!

chinese astrology

Let's face it, I'm a sucker for anything that tells me about me. I like hearing about myself.
and Everyone likes categories, though categories are not always useful for actually describing a unique thing (as proven by "Women, Fire and Dangerous Things: What categories reveal about the mind" by George Lakoff)
So in the interest of hearing (reading?) about myself, I've been looking at Chinese Astrology and thought I would share my categories with the world. (ahh, internet.)
I was born in 1987, which is part of the Fire cycle, in the Rabbit month. My secret animal, corresponding to birth hour, is the Horse.

Now, the internet doesn't have a lot of consensus about specific traits, but it does have a pretty common general picture of what this looks like. I'm pretty much cherry picking the parts I like and resonate with. In general, as a mix, I rather agree with my horoscopes. Add in the Libra trait of needing everything to be balanced to the eastern philosophy and I feel pretty described.

First of all, Fire.

Fire rules the heart and introduces the qualities of stubborness, strength, restlessness, dynamics, and a sense of peacefulness to the person. "A fire person will be passionate and powerful, with a flair for adventure." The planet mars, summer, and the direction of south are associated with fire, as is the color red.
Tying this to Indian philosophy and chakras, red is represented by the muladhara, or the root chakra. Centered on the perineum, the key physical governance is sexuality. The key mental point is stability, the key emotional point is sensuality, and the key spiritual point is a sense of security

Horses.... expect a lot of liberty, as well as give it. Horse people are independent, confident, quickwitted, inquinsitive, and stubborn (oh no, a double dose of stubborn!) We're good at recognizing patterns, generally gifted, and excellent at working the system. Horse people love to be the center of attention, are easily flattered, and are full of honesty and genuine warmth. (like a social butterfly )
People confide in horses, though we're terrible secret keepers as a point of personality function. We're easily excited and inspired, too impulsive for our own good, and bad at finishing projects. We're riddled with doubt beneath our confidence and persuasion.

Rabbit traits, on the other hand, are what lend me my depth and balance as a person.
Rabbits are pretty reserved, too sensitive for the world around them, and anxious when taking risks. (we're prey, after all) We're cultured, well mannered, graceful, and intellectual. We tend to den up, saving peace for home. Rabbit people are incredibly detail oriented in everything from decoration, presentation, work, play, and...otherwise. When we believe in something, we're "serious, persevering, and capable." It's hard to provoke us, and we're genuinely interested and moved with empathy when we hear your personal problems. We love to be hospitable and attentive, and to take care of those around us.

Libras are good at impartial judgment, but bad at handling criticism. We find the truth and then have a hard time seeing the world any other way. Generally, we're even tempered and balanced. We're usually optimistic, good at seeing the emotional needs of others, and are incredibly social beings (double social butterfly!) We hate cruelty, viciousness, and conflict because we see the world and everything in it whole and in unity. We're artistic, but not avant garde. We're full of integrity and good perceptions and observations. We may be promiscuously minded, but Libra marriages tend to last and be solid. We're insatiably curious, in love with elegance, and in need of depth.

Summing it all up, I'm a delicate, detail oriented, powerful prey animal with a double dose of stubborn and stubborn. I don't always finish my projects, but when I really believe in something- I can't be stopped. I believe in social and economic freedom strongly, am quick witted, intelligent, and incredible at working the system to get what I want. I love taking care of people, because I really love people and understand most of them pretty well. I'm honest, my spirit is broken easily, and I doubt myself a lot. I'm confident, independent, creative and overwhelmed by the world. I hate cruelty, I'm not a killer, and I don't wander in love. I'm not a risk taker, but I am an adventurer. I enjoy being the center of attention. I crave balance in all things. I'm sensual, grounded, and see patterns easily. I love elegant things and artistic endeavors  I'm a summer child, full of strength and peace, and I follow my heart in all things.

Sounds pretty much like how I see myself. Do you see me the same way?

(not so scholarly) references
http://www.colours-of-the-rainbow.com/chinese-zodiac-signs.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra#Muladhara:_The_Base_Chakra
http://www.astrology-online.com/libra.htm