Someday, I'll be as brave as my face.

I have a touchy stomach, usually when I'm dealing with some form of rejection, or worried about the people I share lives with.
I get achey when I'm tired, and when I'm sad.
My neck hurts when I'm having trouble rationalizing my way out of an emotional response.
Life is messy, and it hurts. There's no manual, nobody ever has the same experience, and we're all so alone that it comes back together somehow.
Right now my body is telling me that I'm worried, sad, and irrational.
The more I listen to it, and straighten this new mess out now, the less I'll have problems in my emotional and physical life.
It's just so hard, sometimes. Sometimes letting yourself throw up for weeks is easier than figuring out why you feel that way. After all, we can treat nausea fairly easily. Give me some ginger, any day. Sorting out the cause is much harder. Changing your life to make the solution permanent is even harder.
How'm I supposed to solve self esteem issues, when I require constant praise and encouragement to have any at all? How'm I supposed to look abandonment issues in the eye, when everyone is so good at leaving me? How is it that I'll fix my viewpoint, while avoiding the pitfalls of blaming someone else or running away?

I have such a brave face.
I'm always telling people "everyone else is just as scared as you are".
I'm always advocating change and love.
I'm so damn sure of myself and my plans.

But really, where it counts, I just feel so lost and alone and broken and unsure of everything. and I hate it. wish everything could play along to my little imaginary rules that only I follow. wish that I could scream my way out of this corner, wish a million times that I was brave enough to follow my own advice.

That's not the point. Life is messy. It's supposed to hurt like this, sometimes.
The point is, tomorrow we get up again and we try harder.