Healing Vision

I had a counseling appointment last night with someone whom my primary care physician had recommended for me to see. I knew in advance that it was an "intuitive counseling session" but I didn't really know what that meant. As a hot mess, I didn't really care. I just needed help.
I walked out of my micro class about half an hour early, and got to my appointment fifteen minutes early. I pulled the Dresden novel I'm rereading out of my purse as I sat in the waiting room tastefully decorated by ikea and began to read.

Fifteen minutes later, an extremely pregnant woman came out of the back room, and I thought "Seriously?"

I ran through the list of things that would interfere with a miscarriage counseling session, and then decided that this counselor would have greater empathy for me, because she for sure knew how having a life inside of you changes your mind and body.

She called my name, directed me to a chair, and then got me a glass of water. Then she asked if I wanted an explanation, or if I wanted to just jump right in. In hindsight, an explanation would be nice. But as ever, I like flying by the seat of my pants, so I just wanted to jump in.

She said ok, and then told me that she sees better with her eyes closed, and told me to imagine myself in a robins egg bubble and to feel the earth coming up to meet us. She said she just wanted to look around first, and then after she saw, then I could tell her what I was there about.
She closed her eyes and looked at me.

And saw  sunshine, but with a shadow holding on to me, closing my crown chakra and third eye. She called on the archangels to clear away this shadow, this 15 year old shadow,  and asked them to stay with me as I heal. I forget what was going on 15 years ago precisely, but I was 8 then. I think. If I did my math right. That was the year I first got sick.

After the shadow was cleared away, the top of my head was oddly sensitive, and she said that I would have an easier time reaching out to God, now that nothing was in the way.  She said with the shadow gone, I had faerie energy coating my sunshine. Then she asked me why I was there.

And she looked at the "baby-beings" and put out an intention that we only wanted healthy babies who were interested in the full, being human experience, and one of the three left. She thought he was the first miscarriage. The other two, she said, were the twins. And that one of them was headstrong and all about being material, and that the other wasn't so sure, and that they'd had a deal to come together so that the strong one could help the weak one, but the weaker one had backed out. She said she'd be surprised if they came in at the same time again, but also said that she thought it would be these two who would come the next time.

She looked at me and my husband, and grounded out the grief and the pain so that we could better reach out to one another.

She had me tell all of the horrible things that people said to me into a single rose, and then blow that rose up. (which was a little distressing for me, but I suppose that there was beautiful intention in many of the terrible things they said.)

She told me to pay attention to my jaw, and that there was so much tightness there from holding on to a game face, and then we cleared that. We cleared a genetic tape through the female line that whispered "It's hard to be the woman" and I feel so much more clear on that- I've always thought it was a beautiful and wonderful thing to be a woman. I miss my menses, and my connection to the moon and I fully enjoy all of the lovely things that make being a woman so wonderful. I love that I'm capable of nurturing life.

She told me that I had a healer's energy (but she didn't ask me what I do for a living) and that I need to work on psychospiritual boundaries so that I only attract people who are interested in healing themselves, not in just draining my own healing energy.

She told me something that I've only had people I know very well (like, my best friend after we'd known each other for 6 years ) tell me, which is that I'm through and through honest, like the essence of truth. And that I go around shocking people, and then when I should follow that up with more words,  I feel them withdraw with shock, and then I withdraw to give them space, and they decide that the distance is me-imposed. She told me ways that I could work on that space and shock and dialogue, but then told me that most of the people who don't appreciate that honesty probably aren't that good for me anyway.

She told me that my rejection complex probably started with someone who I embarrassed that didn't know what to do with me, and had her own intimacy issues, and that that's why I'm not so good at asking for answers.

She also told me that this period of helplessness is good practice in asking again.

We talked about a lot of things, in just an hour, or rather, she told me a lot of things and I filled in some gaps and helped focus her on what I needed her to see.

But the important thing is that I feel so much more whole. I can see opportunities and joy stretched ahead of me. I learned about myself. I feel closer to God. and  I got to see my babies.

I love alternative medicine, and the myriad gifts that people are given.