heroes...

Medicine has always been a calling for me, albeit sometimes through music and most of the time I was sure I was going to be a veterinary doctor.
I've had a rather exciting, I suppose, or more like eventful and chilling experiences with illness throughout my life. When I was two, I got a staff infection in my thumb and had to have my thumbnail peeled off. The doctor told me "now, peanut, this isn't going to hurt." and I remember being offended, because peanut was the name of my grandparent's dog, before my dad told me "Don't listen to him, he's lying to you. This is going to hurt a lot, but then it's going to be ok." and so I learned to evaluate what doctors said to me in the reality and context of the situation.
My mom has always been ill, suffering from severe headaches and other complaints from as early as thirteen. Her scans have always come back negative, though she does have lesions on her brain. The lesions are apparently not in the right place. If they were in the appropriate ( ? ) place to have lesions, she would likely have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. It's very slow moving, the remissions long and the relative period of sickness is a small portion of time. Doctors always told her she was crazy, so she was always on my side when the scans came back negative for me.
I fell off a tire swing when I was seven, and I never got better from that. Later on, I'd find the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia (yes, I've seen the commercials, but I think they're dumb and shouldn't be on air) and of Endolymphatic Hydropsy.
I'd also learn, in the 11 years it took to get from onset to discovery, that doctors don't listen. They don't respect patients, and that they are so inundated with prescription sales that they will forget to treat patients. I learned that when doctors didn't know what was wrong, they didn't do research- they gave out anti-depressants and anti-psychotics. I learned that the system was broken.
But there are other ways, movements beyond traditional medical doctors. There is a vital force moving for preventative medicine and whole patient treatment. There is more on heaven and earth...
I found out about half a year ago that sometimes, when nothing comes back on my scans, it really means that I'm feeling someone else's pain. I'm a body empath, and I think more people are than realize it. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I only seem to catch the notions from the people I'm close to. My shoulder hurts when I think of this friend, my hip when I spend time with that one. My headaches are almost exclusively my mom's, and sometimes when they're the worst for me they start to ease up for her.
So here I am. Sitting up another night, waiting to hear my mom need me as she's crushed beneath a killer migraine. She's been crying off and on, all night, and her makeup is smeared, but for right now, she's resting. And I've been carrying wet washclothes from A to B and holding her hand, but other than that I'm just so damn helpless. There's so much more I'll be able to do after these four years, but right now I can only watch (and feel) everyone suffer.
I don't like being helpless, and I surely don't like losing to anything. I can't tell if I'm just so wrapped up in the situation that I can't see perspective, or if I'm really level headed. I just want to hero in and make things better. It's hard to remember that illness is a message when all I want to do is have some magical herb to administer, or some energy direction technique or something, anything,really.
I wish school started tomorrow.