depression

Here I am. It's a week, just past the hour, exactly, and I'm all alone. My house is filthy. There's ice cream containers on the counter. I've just come to the point, watching my third season of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and having my water goblet of wine, where I've realized that I'm very depressed, and that I've been using any distraction I can to avoid working through all of these experiences.

It was biochemistry that was my final clue- my midterm that I worked so hard to move to monday morning at 10, so that I could study. I was studying, actually, on thursday morning. I got four questions in on the study guide before I went home, tucked myself under a big blanket on the couch, and turned on the television. This morning I swore I was going to get up and study, but since both teachers for today's classes had told me I should rest, I tucked myself into the couch and turned on the television. I still haven't gotten an inch further. I did turn off the television in the middle of a season. To my surprise, in the dark with no distractions, I burst into tears.

All I could think about was how I've reverted exactly to how I was in October- I've gained back all the weight, I'm just eating easy food and sugar, I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous, I'm exhausted, I have the worst headache of my life, I'm behind in all of my classes- and this time, I feel like a giant failure on top of it. I failed to be healthy. I failed my second chance at pregnancy. I'm afraid I'm failing my classes. I feel like I'm failing my husband, my family, my friends. I don't know what to talk about, or what to ask for.

I feel like I'm slipping away.  It sounds so stupid, so childish, but there for five weeks, I felt so special and beautiful. Now I'm neither. I've tried to talk to the school counselor, but our schedules haven't matched up. Even my primary has been too busy to call, though he said he would. The main doctor said she'd call today too, but she didn't. And the husband is off with the guys, on an excursion that they planned weeks and weeks ago when things were good. I don't want to be by myself, but I have another doctor's appointment in the morning, and it's too far to commute in from my folks' place. All the friends I would have been comfortable asking to come stay with me are in other states.

I guess I just need someone to kick my ass into line and motivate me and be with me, but since there's no one but me, I'll have to work up to it. I've just been too afraid to start up again. When my roommate died in '08, I worked 12 hour days for 16 days straight. I worked through the tears and the sadness until I was just empty inside, and then it all came back in the first bodywork class I took, and I had to deal with it again. I don't want to do that this time, but I don't know how to get functional again without doing that. and did I mention biochemistry? I have to pass this test, because I failed the first one. I don't have time to sit around and be sad.

But I am. And that's just what I've been doing...