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This weekend was rough for my mind- on friday, admitting I was depressed was the first step.
Then I made things happen- and you, my dear friends, helped immensely.

First, I got an email from a classmate at 1pm on friday which stated simply that she cared about me and wanted me to know that she was still available if I needed anything. Now, this lady is an incredibly strong and sassy woman who is just on the verge of giving birth to twin boys and is going through the same medical program that I am- yet she still found the time to ask me each day if I was doing my biochem homework, scanning in her own study guide and emailing it to me, inviting me over for a fringe marathon at her house. And still, checking on me every day.

Then, my mom's best friend (who rearranged her schedule in college, when I was born, so that my mom could finish her degree) dropped by with bean dip and chips and gave me a much needed hug and talked to me till the late hours.

And then my dear undergrad friend wrote me some emails and a letter or so, and started checking to make sure that I'm still doing ADLs, which I needed. And I miss her so much, it was good to hear from her anyway.

Saturday morning I had another doctor's appointment- I'm in there every week, and on the phone with them so often I have their cell numbers. Things aren't going as well as expected, so I'm taking 5 more treatments than I had been- a tincture and a homeopathic for the emotional shock, homeopathics for pelvic congestion, and a cell salt for the cramping. I had another diagnostic set of ultrasounds, traditionally and transvaginally this morning, and hopefully those results will be in tomorrow.
My primary also used his magic bodywork skills and got my back to loosen up some- after a week of class, I could barely sit up. I'm still having problems with long periods of sitting, but I started my workouts back up again today

Saturday evening, two of my bestest high school dropped by with high tea for 20 people for the 3 of us- chicken pate , salmon and dill, cucumber mint, and cream cheese horseradish finger sandwiches, angel food cake, blueberry scones, english muffins, fruit platters, vegetable platters, four boxes of tea, and more. They washed my dishes and cleaned my kitchen, and then quizzed me on biochem, and then we watched 10 things I hate about you, which is a nice classic feel better movie.

image courtesy of google

Sunday morning, I took a shower and sung my heart out. I invented some blues songs that I cried my way through, and then my husband got home and we went to my parents house and played board games for a few hours. My dad, that crazy generous man, worked seven days in a row so that he could buy me the doctor bag I've had on my wishlist and been saving up for for months. It'll be here on the 24th, he said yesterday. So then I'll have a place to put my stethoscope and my sphygmomanometer, and my ophthalmoscope, and my otoscope and throat illuminator and pen light and the other cool doctor stuff I got during equipment handout last tuesday.

image courtesy of amazon

The husband and I bonded over our loss on the car ride home- talking to his washington boys helped immensely to bring us to the same emotional page, and I'm so glad he has a man-group that he can talk about his feelings with, because it helped us as a couple out a ton.

I'm using the money I was going to put towards my doctor bag to buy a silver locket featuring a rabbit, and then two cherry trees. In the locket, I'm going to put the belly photos with the conception date and all of the miscarriage details.

image courtesy of cosmicfirefly on etsy

The trees we're going to plant at my parents house- and then my little metal rabbit baby will have a little ceremony and a physical reminder to give me some closure about the whole situation. My hubby is thinking he's going to get a tattoo of our our signs (earth dragon and fire rabbit) with what would have been the baby's sign (which is the metal rabbit, in case you missed the chinese new year this year and hadn't picked it up from the above sentances.)

I'm still incredibly sad, but no longer oppressed by my sadness to the point where I wasn't leaving the house or doing my chores. Thank you all- I love you so much. I appreciate all of you ( I know I didn't write all of the kindnesses that have been done these last two weeks- and if I had, this post would be one hundred pages long. You are all so lovely, and I treasure every hug, every card, every letter, every wall post, every email, every set of notes, every recording, and every willing ear.) I'm overwhelmed by your support, and I cherish it.